Favorite Hymns

The Dentist's Hymn............Crown Him With Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn...There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

The Contractor's Hymn.......The Church's One Foundation

The Politician's Hymn.........Standing On The Promises

The IRS Agent's Hymn........I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn.............Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn.......Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn..........Sweet By And By

...and for those who speed on the highway............

45mph...............God Will Take Care Of You

55mph...............Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehova

65mph...............Nearer My God To Thee

75mph...............Nearer Still Nearer

85mph...............This World Is Not My Home

95mph...............Lord I'm Coming Home

100mph.............Precious Memories  

(source unknown)

Biblical Bloopers

Slightly skewed scriptural insights from children of Christian and Jewish faiths:

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

- Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

- The Jews were a proud people, and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

- Sampson slated the Philistines with the Axe of Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the desert.

- Afterward. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

- The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The Fifth Commandment is "Humor thy father and mother."

- The Seventh Commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."

- Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

- David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race that lived in biblical times.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

- When the three wise guys from the east side showed up, they found Jesus and the manager.

- Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which is "Do one to others before they do one to you."

- He also explained, "Man does not live by sweat alone."

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.

- The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.

- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

- The Bible says a man is only supposed to have one wife. This is called monotony.

(source unknown)

CHILDREN AND RELIGION 

 A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!" ***

 A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" *** 

 A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." *** 

 Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a song, and they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!" ***

 A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." *** 

 A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter." ***

 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her Five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? "Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." ***

 At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." ***

 Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."  

(source unknown)